Wednesday, July 29, 2009

LIfe Goes On

Wow it has been forever since I have written. I have a lot of excuses. 1) My laptop sucked 2) I forgot my password and the email address that I had used 3) Children suck all your time, yeah they are freakin cute but dang I miss Heather time 4) Any other thing I can think of to keep me away from the computer and typing. I am a very slow typer. I'm not even kidding. In Jr High I took typing and it was on typewriters and also in college my little sister would type my papers for me. I would write them down and then she would type them for me. I think that is one of the reason I fell in love with Cody cause he was a computer guy and he could do all the computer stuff for me and I would never have to worry about it. So one reason I am actually writting on my blog is because we finally have a computer in a central part of the house and I have no more excuses.
Life has been going so fast. Tatum is 7 months old and is crawling like crazy. I will put him in the living room on the floor and I turn around and he is gone. He likes the kitchen floor which forces me to clean it more often than once a quarter. (I'm not exaggerating). I always said that I was never going to get married but I was going to adopt 20 kids, then it changed to getting married and having 6 to 8, and now I would like to change that to maybe 4. Dang children are a lot harder than I thought. I can see now why children think that their moms are a little crazy cause we drove them there and left them without keys to return home. I mean I love being a mom and it is the best job ever and I have a VERY WELL behaved child (Heavenly Father knows I couldn't handle a naughty baby right now or you would find me in fetal position crying) I have come to a greater understanding of my mother and all the mothers around me and I really look up to them. I am going to be brutally honest right here: Hormones are a bitch. That is all that I have to say on that.
I've decided that I am going to use this blog to vent and clear my head, a kind of free therapy, and I am going to be honest and some may not like what I have to say but there are things that I have to say that if I don't then I just might explode. With that I am putting out there something that not many people know. After I had Tatum I was suffering from postpartum depression. It took me a while to figure out what was wrong with me and when I finally did I didn't want to tell my husband. I felt that I was less of a women for feeling the way I did. Now I never wanted to throw my child out the window.... well sometimes and I have to argue that I think he would like it. I also felt like I should be happy and have no clouds above me because I had such a well behaved baby and also seeing those close to me suffer with babies that weren't healthy or my own sister having lost her 2 precious babies I felt I should be happy and just get over it. But I couldn't no matter how hard i tried. Any small thing would set me off into depression and tears. I am so grateful for Cody and him always being there for me holding me when I needed to be held and holding me even when I wanted to push him away. I always thought that depression was in your head and that you can get over it, and well it is in your head, but chemically and nothing you can control. It was hard to except this fact but I feel that embracing it is actually a step out of the "clouds" you feel trapped in. SO when I finally told Cody when I would have my "episodes" we knew what the deep problem was. If I would start to crying then it was very hard to stop. I would have about an "episode" every other day and we weren't sure what to do about it. So I tried working out and that helped a little but one bad day and everything was shot to Hell. There was one time while I was being good and working out and I had a bad day and fell into a bag of Reese peanut butter cups and from that almost entire bag I gained all that I had worked so hard to lose. I tried everything I could think of and yes a lot of things helped for a second and then something else would set me off. Finally Cody and I decided that I needed to see a doctor so a little over 3 months ago I finally went to my OB and we talked and she asked me what I had done to try to ward off depression. She was so understanding that I didn't feel broken or ashamed. So she put me on a medicine called Wellbutrin. It took 2 weeks to finally start working and slowly the "episodes" came less and less. Now I only have an "episode" about once a month or maybe 2 but I think all girls understand what one of those "episodes" really is (PMS). I went to see my doctor last week and I asked her how long people are usually on meds for postpartum depression and she said at least 6 months and then they try weaning you off slowly. I have to say that I was embarrassed but I know it WAS NOT in my control. I am finally feeling in control. I will never think of depression in the same way again. I asked Cody if I was back to the Old Heather yet and he said just about but I think that I am (at least on medicine) I mean children change your life completely and so the Old Heather didn't have many cares whereas now I worry all the time about my baby, the economy, dinner, and everything else that is thrown my way day to day when it used to be just me and Cody to worry about. I feel I have truly grown from this experience and I will be a better wife and mother as time passes.
Wow I didn't think that I would ever admit all that. Still as I write this I am thinking of pushing the delete button or hoping that the power goes out and having not saved all this writing I will have an excuse for not writing it again. Well none of that happened so I guess I am going to push publish and hope that this doesn't come back to bite me or that I will regret this but why should I care what others think about me. I know what the people I love think about me and they love me for I am. CRAZY! So here goes cause now I am just stalling.....